it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life

So, one of the things about living on my own is that I have to deal with bugs. Anybody who has ever spent time with me knows that I do not do bugs. Not in any shape or form. I would be very happy if the entire insect population was eliminated from the earth tomorrow. So I'd like to share with you how I spent an hour of my very valuable time about a week ago.

I was just getting out of bed to get a glass of water and turn out the light, turning in a little bit earlier than usual but feeling it was a luxury well-deserved. I was walking into the kitchen, when I saw my cat, Mabel, streak past me and then freeze, staring at something well above her head. This is never good. Before I could even complete the thought "Please let it be a gecko" I turned, and an enormous palmetto bug flew over my head and into the bathroom.

For those of you who have no idea what a palmetto bug is, take a look at this. It's like a cockroach. But bigger. And it FLIES! Fuck! I hate those things!

So, being a woman, naturally I let out an ear-piercing scream. I'm not really sure how else to respond when I have a 3-inch-long living piece of nastiness in my bathroom. And then I realize that there is nobody around to kill this thing for me. I have to do this myself. Deep breath. OK.

I head into the kitchen and grab approximately 18 paper towels with the thought that I can just take a deep breath and smush it. But palmetto bugs are effing fast. And I couldn't really stop hyperventilating long enough to get that deep breath in, so smushing it was out. So I begin wracking my brain for something to slow it down. Bleach! That should do something right? I head back into the kitchen, grab my spray bottle of bathroom cleaner with bleach, a few more paper towels, and then realize that I'm standing in my trailer, with all the lights on, completely naked. I sleep naked, OK? Down here it is WAY too hot for pajamas. But I try to keep the nakedness in my trailer to a minimum after dark, because it's close to the road and you can see right in the windows. OK. Not good. So I grab the nearest towel and wrap it around myself, and then stand in the door to the bathroom armed and ready.

I peek my head into the bathroom, see the bug, take aim and start spraying. And the fucker flew right at me! Right into the spray of my bleach-laced cleaner. I stand my ground, shrieking louder with each pump of my hand on the sprayer. It flies on top of the medicine cabinet - I spray. It flies down behind the sink - I spray. It crawls up the shower curtain and over onto the other side. I lose sight of it for a second, then see one of its disgusting little feelers peeking out over the top. I spray. It disappears. I wait 30 seconds and then smack the shower curtain to flush it out. Repeat. Finally I smack the curtain and nothing happens, so I throw it back, and see this foul little insect crawling around my tiled shower, definitely moving more slowly now. With a triumphant yell of "DIE FUCKER DIE" I unleash half the spray bottle on it, until it is unable to move. Then, I drop approximately 34 paper towels on top of it, and punch it. Assuming it's crushed but too afraid to look, I grab the paper towels and run shrieking to the kitchen wastebasket. By this time I am shaking all over, barely able to hold onto the towel which is the only thing keeping me from making a complete spectacle of myself to anyone driving past.

So much for going to bed early. I am so hyped up on adrenaline at this point I think I'll never sleep. Feeling that a celebratory beer might help settle me down, I grab one from the fridge and climb back into bed. I crack open the beer, pick up my book, and look up at the enormous fan pointed straight at my bed. There, behind the whirring blades, is ANOTHER PALMETTO BUG. Staring at me. OK, now I know I can do this. But this time, I'm putting on clothes. I get up, get dressed, walk into the kitchen to get my half-empty spray bottle and 34 more paper towels. I frame myself in the doorway (very theatrical), ready to wage war again and - it's gone. Gone! Nowhere to be seen. I scan all the walls, the corners, the ceiling - nothing. Unbelievable. Now I really don't think I'll sleep. I spend half an hour sitting in bed staring at the fan, spray bottle and paper towels at the ready, before I hopefully conclude it must have gotten out the same way it got it.

I never did find it.